PortalPortal  HomeHome  FAQFAQ  SearchSearch  RegisterRegister  MemberlistMemberlist  UsergroupsUsergroups  Log in  

Share | 
 

 Jokes and other funny things

View previous topic View next topic Go down 
Go to page : 1, 2  Next
AuthorMessage
Esk
Innkeeper
avatar

Female
Number of posts : 546
Age : 32
Location : In the back room
Humor : Bossy
Registration date : 2008-01-28

PostSubject: Jokes and other funny things   Mon Jan 28, 2008 7:58 pm

messenger status: "when i leave the messenger, all stand up in sign of respect!" lmao

_________________
Master of chang-fu, tofu and okidoki
Back to top Go down
View user profile http://theredinn.do-goo.com
Ranger
Guard
Guard
avatar

Male
Number of posts : 116
Age : 34
Registration date : 2008-01-28

PostSubject: Re: Jokes and other funny things   Thu Jan 31, 2008 2:15 pm

Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air, so Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!".

So our hero grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie's lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?" shrieks Marie.

"Well, my name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I have red meat I like to have red wine!"

His answer is good enough for Marie and things begin to heat up.

So she says : "Pierre, kiss me lower."

Our hero rips off her blouse, grabs a bottle of white wine and starts

pouring it all over her breasts.

"Pierre, what are you doing?"

"My name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I have white meat I like to have white wine!"

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans over once more and softly whispers into his ear, "Pierre, kiss me lower."

Pierre tears off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and sprinkles it all over her bush. He grabs a match and lights it on fire.

Patting the flames out furiously, Marie screams, "PIERRE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!?"

"My name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames!"

_________________
Nice to meet you, run for your life
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Ranger
Guard
Guard
avatar

Male
Number of posts : 116
Age : 34
Registration date : 2008-01-28

PostSubject: Re: Jokes and other funny things   Thu Jan 31, 2008 2:19 pm

Computer Problem Report Form

1. Describe your problem:
__________________________________________

2. Now, describe the problem accurately:
__________________________________________

__________________________________________

3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:
__________________________________________

__________________________________________

4. Problem Severity:


A. Minor__
B. Minor__
C. Minor__
D. Trivial__


5. Nature of the problem:

A. Locked Up__
B. Frozen__
C. Hung__
D. Shot__

6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__

7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__

8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__

9. Have you made it worse? Yes__

10. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__

11. Are you sure you've read the manual? Yes__ No__

12. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No__

13. Do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__

14. If `Yes' then why can't you fix the problem yourself?
__________________________________________

15. How tall are you? Are you above this line? __________________

16. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred?
__________________________________________

17. If "nothing" explain why you were logged in.
__________________________________________

18. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ No__

19. How does this problem make you feel? ____________________________

20. Tell me about your childhood. ___________________________________

21. Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem? Yes__ No__

22. Can't you do something else, instead of bothering me? Yes__

Thank you for taking the time to fill out our Computer Problems Form. Please allow 1 week response time so that the problem will resolve its self or you will reboot your computer, most likely resolving the issue.

_________________
Nice to meet you, run for your life
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Ranger
Guard
Guard
avatar

Male
Number of posts : 116
Age : 34
Registration date : 2008-01-28

PostSubject: Re: Jokes and other funny things   Fri Feb 01, 2008 1:32 pm

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude the Captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to flight number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD! Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I Scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

_________________
Nice to meet you, run for your life
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Ranger
Guard
Guard
avatar

Male
Number of posts : 116
Age : 34
Registration date : 2008-01-28

PostSubject: Re: Jokes and other funny things   Fri Feb 01, 2008 1:34 pm

THIS IS ONE OF MY FAVORITES:

This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash


SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM
LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?


DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

_________________
Nice to meet you, run for your life
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Esk
Innkeeper
avatar

Female
Number of posts : 546
Age : 32
Location : In the back room
Humor : Bossy
Registration date : 2008-01-28

PostSubject: Re: Jokes and other funny things   Sat Feb 02, 2008 2:29 pm

lmao lmao lmao what a silly kid, but really funny lmao

_________________
Master of chang-fu, tofu and okidoki
Back to top Go down
View user profile http://theredinn.do-goo.com
Esk
Innkeeper
avatar

Female
Number of posts : 546
Age : 32
Location : In the back room
Humor : Bossy
Registration date : 2008-01-28

PostSubject: Re: Jokes and other funny things   Sat Feb 02, 2008 7:00 pm

okay, these made me laugh my ass off:


t0rbad> so there i was in this hallway right
BlackAdder> i believe i speak for all of us when i say...
BlackAdder> WRONG BTICH
BlackAdder> IM SICK OF YOU
BlackAdder> AND YOUR LAME STORIES
BlackAdder> NOBODY HERE THINKS YOURE FUNNY
BlackAdder> NOBODY HERE WANTS TO HEAR YOUR STORIES
BlackAdder> IN FACT
BlackAdder> IF YOU DIED RIGHT NOW
BlackAdder> I DON"T THINK NOBODY WOULD CARE
BlackAdder> SO WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT FAG
*** t0rbad sets mode: +b BlackAdder*!*@*.*
*** BlackAdder has been kicked by t0rbad ( )
t0rbad> so there i was in this hallway right
CRCError> right
heartless> Right.
r3v> right





Hey, you know what sucks?
vaccuums
Hey, you know what sucks in a metaphorical sense?
black holes
Hey, you know what just isn't cool?
lava?







d-_-b
how u make that inverted b?
wait
never mind

lmao





what should I give sister for unzipping?
Um. Ten bucks?
no I mean like, WinZip?

lmao lmao





my girlfriend broke up with me and sent me pix of her and her new boyfriend in bed
ouch.
yeah.i sent them to her dad





Man, my penis is so big if I laid it out on a keyboard it'd go all the way from A to Z
wait, shit

lmao



some girl just came onto our floor
and was yelling "sexual favors for anyone who does my sociology paper"
i just asked her what the paper was about
and she said the accomplishments and growth of feminism
<`Neo> bahahahaha



i luv guyz where would they be wifout us gals???
Still in the Garden Of Eden you gullible bitch.



Now, I’m sure many of you have encountered little shits in supermarkets. Little kids running about and knocking things over, being rude, walking all over their parents, you know the kind. But the worst are the biters. Yes, those little cunts that feel it is okay to bite you whenever they feel like it.
Okay, here’s the best part. A biter got me today when I was grocery stopping. He broke the fucking skin, too. This was when the gears started turning, the moment I saw a tiny sprickle of blood on the little shit’s teeth as he was grinning at me like the little cunt he is. I made my eyes get wide, and started screaming “SHIT! SHIT!.” Now, my good friend, Tom we’ll call him, was there too, and he instantly picked up on it. He started shouting “FUCK! MAYBE HE DIDN’T GET IT! FUCK!.” By now, the kid is scared shitless and starts crying, and instantly, Mizz Mom appears out of nowhere and starts getting pissy at us for yelling at her kid.
Here’s the kicker, I look her straight in the eye and say, “Mam, get your son tested as soon as possible, he just bit me and I’m… I’m FUCKING HIV POSITIVE.”
And now there is silence. Not a peep in the entire store. The brat knows he just fucked up big time because his mom isn’t defending his ass. She just stares at me wide eyed. I walk away from them, buy my shit from the wide eyed cashier, all the while blood is dripping from my calf, making a nice little trail on the floor. And, just s we leave, we start to hear the mother sobbing. Sobbing like the cunt she is.
I have never felt any more satisfaction than the moment I heard that sob.



bwahahahahahah too evil Twisted Evil lmao

_________________
Master of chang-fu, tofu and okidoki
Back to top Go down
View user profile http://theredinn.do-goo.com
Ranger
Guard
Guard
avatar

Male
Number of posts : 116
Age : 34
Registration date : 2008-01-28

PostSubject: Cute Rifle   Sat Feb 16, 2008 11:16 pm


_________________
Nice to meet you, run for your life
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Esk
Innkeeper
avatar

Female
Number of posts : 546
Age : 32
Location : In the back room
Humor : Bossy
Registration date : 2008-01-28

PostSubject: Re: Jokes and other funny things   Sat Apr 05, 2008 11:13 pm

Holy epic backstory, there is a DM of the Rings! =)) It made me laugh a whole evening lmao Comment if you like it too lmao

_________________
Master of chang-fu, tofu and okidoki
Back to top Go down
View user profile http://theredinn.do-goo.com
Esk
Innkeeper
avatar

Female
Number of posts : 546
Age : 32
Location : In the back room
Humor : Bossy
Registration date : 2008-01-28

PostSubject: Re: Jokes and other funny things   Tue Jun 24, 2008 11:53 am

Are you considering having children? To determine whether you are truly prepared for the experience, we suggest you take this set of simple tests...

MESS TEST:

Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST:

Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).

GROCERY STORE TEST:

Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST:

Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST:

Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST:

Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for five years. Look cheerful.

PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN)

Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans.

PHYSICAL TEST (MEN):

Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT:

Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

_________________
Master of chang-fu, tofu and okidoki
Back to top Go down
View user profile http://theredinn.do-goo.com
Ranger
Guard
Guard
avatar

Male
Number of posts : 116
Age : 34
Registration date : 2008-01-28

PostSubject: Re: Jokes and other funny things   Fri Jul 18, 2008 1:09 pm


Demotivator



More Demotivational Posters



Comment Pictures



More Demotivators


just had to share these... also... this place has been quiet... so... figured I'd make some noise

_________________
Nice to meet you, run for your life
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Ranger
Guard
Guard
avatar

Male
Number of posts : 116
Age : 34
Registration date : 2008-01-28

PostSubject: Re: Jokes and other funny things   Fri Jul 18, 2008 1:11 pm

I was going to finish with the above...


then I saw this one


Motivational Posters

_________________
Nice to meet you, run for your life
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Esk
Innkeeper
avatar

Female
Number of posts : 546
Age : 32
Location : In the back room
Humor : Bossy
Registration date : 2008-01-28

PostSubject: Re: Jokes and other funny things   Sun Dec 07, 2008 2:11 pm


_________________
Master of chang-fu, tofu and okidoki
Back to top Go down
View user profile http://theredinn.do-goo.com
Esk
Innkeeper
avatar

Female
Number of posts : 546
Age : 32
Location : In the back room
Humor : Bossy
Registration date : 2008-01-28

PostSubject: Re: Jokes and other funny things   Sun Dec 07, 2008 2:12 pm


_________________
Master of chang-fu, tofu and okidoki
Back to top Go down
View user profile http://theredinn.do-goo.com
Esk
Innkeeper
avatar

Female
Number of posts : 546
Age : 32
Location : In the back room
Humor : Bossy
Registration date : 2008-01-28

PostSubject: Re: Jokes and other funny things   Mon Dec 08, 2008 2:11 pm

via Lolcats Laughing


_________________
Master of chang-fu, tofu and okidoki
Back to top Go down
View user profile http://theredinn.do-goo.com
Ranger
Guard
Guard
avatar

Male
Number of posts : 116
Age : 34
Registration date : 2008-01-28

PostSubject: Re: Jokes and other funny things   Mon Dec 08, 2008 8:22 pm

omg!!! LOL

take that down please.... I can't breathe... I can't breathe! lol

_________________
Nice to meet you, run for your life
Back to top Go down
View user profile
loky
Newcomer


Male
Number of posts : 33
Age : 33
Location : Dark Side
Registration date : 2008-03-31

PostSubject: Re: Jokes and other funny things   Tue Dec 09, 2008 2:24 pm

"Filling out job applications is so depressing. I was filling on out
the other day and I got to the part that says "Sex?" Well, I prefer to
'F', but I'm usually alone, so I had to circle 'M'." sad
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Esk
Innkeeper
avatar

Female
Number of posts : 546
Age : 32
Location : In the back room
Humor : Bossy
Registration date : 2008-01-28

PostSubject: Re: Jokes and other funny things   Tue Dec 09, 2008 4:29 pm

which one dave? Laughing

_________________
Master of chang-fu, tofu and okidoki
Back to top Go down
View user profile http://theredinn.do-goo.com
Ranger
Guard
Guard
avatar

Male
Number of posts : 116
Age : 34
Registration date : 2008-01-28

PostSubject: Re: Jokes and other funny things   Tue Dec 09, 2008 6:35 pm

the angry cat

_________________
Nice to meet you, run for your life
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Ranger
Guard
Guard
avatar

Male
Number of posts : 116
Age : 34
Registration date : 2008-01-28

PostSubject: Re: Jokes and other funny things   Tue Dec 09, 2008 10:49 pm

An Old Joke... but a good one still:


A guy walks into a store for some last-minute Christmas shopping, and sees a parrot for sale.

He asks the clerk what the parrot's name is and the clerk tells him it's Chet. He also tells the man that this is one amazing parrot. If you put a match under his left foot, it sings “Jingle Bells,” and if you put a match under its right foot, it sings “Deck the Halls.”

The man thinks that is the coolest thing he's ever seen, so he decides to buy it for his wife. So he gets home, and puts it away.

Then he wonders what will happen if he puts it a match between its legs, so he tries it, and the parrot starts singing “Chet's nuts roasting over an open fire...”

_________________
Nice to meet you, run for your life
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Ranger
Guard
Guard
avatar

Male
Number of posts : 116
Age : 34
Registration date : 2008-01-28

PostSubject: Re: Jokes and other funny things   Mon Dec 15, 2008 1:12 am

awhile ago I posted a pic of a flying shark.... here is a response to that


_________________
Nice to meet you, run for your life
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Esk
Innkeeper
avatar

Female
Number of posts : 546
Age : 32
Location : In the back room
Humor : Bossy
Registration date : 2008-01-28

PostSubject: Re: Jokes and other funny things   Tue Dec 16, 2008 3:29 pm


_________________
Master of chang-fu, tofu and okidoki
Back to top Go down
View user profile http://theredinn.do-goo.com
Esk
Innkeeper
avatar

Female
Number of posts : 546
Age : 32
Location : In the back room
Humor : Bossy
Registration date : 2008-01-28

PostSubject: Re: Jokes and other funny things   Thu Jan 01, 2009 1:57 pm

'Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply.
If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.'
So - if you give her crap, you will receive more shit than any one human being can handle


lmao
You've been warned Twisted Evil

_________________
Master of chang-fu, tofu and okidoki
Back to top Go down
View user profile http://theredinn.do-goo.com
loky
Newcomer


Male
Number of posts : 33
Age : 33
Location : Dark Side
Registration date : 2008-03-31

PostSubject: Re: Jokes and other funny things   Fri Jan 09, 2009 4:29 pm

Embarassed me and my dirty mind (if u know what i mean boogie )
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Esk
Innkeeper
avatar

Female
Number of posts : 546
Age : 32
Location : In the back room
Humor : Bossy
Registration date : 2008-01-28

PostSubject: Re: Jokes and other funny things   Sat Jan 10, 2009 7:26 pm

yeah i know what you mean lmao does that make me a perv too? Laughing

_________________
Master of chang-fu, tofu and okidoki
Back to top Go down
View user profile http://theredinn.do-goo.com
Sponsored content




PostSubject: Re: Jokes and other funny things   

Back to top Go down
 
Jokes and other funny things
View previous topic View next topic Back to top 
Page 1 of 2Go to page : 1, 2  Next
 Similar topics
-
» Tongue Twisters, Say THAT 3 times fast!!
» The funny things pets do!
» JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS
» JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS
» Weird Things

Permissions in this forum:You cannot reply to topics in this forum
The Red Inn :: The Yard :: The Corner for Random talk-
Jump to: